THIS IS NOT THE WHITE ROOM The story of end of the KLF Neil Kelly May 14, 1993 Writing For Radio and TV <> Okay, this is a page on the emailed version of the script only. 1. I know, the format on this thing sucks royally. The text that only goes halfway across the page is dialogue. It looks much better when I print it out in its original state, believe me. 2. The soundtrack. Well, obviously, it's got to include the following: Justified And Ancient, Stand By The JAMS 3 AM Eternal 3 AM Eternal with ENT I also am thinking about America:What Time Is Love? , Hey Hey We're Not the Monkees, The White Room...anything else? Copyright Neil P. Kelly, 1993 <> CONCEPT What does man do when fame is thrust upon him, forcing him to go against his ideals? <> A NOTE ABOUT THE SCRIPT All the events in this script, up until the main characters (Bill Drummond and Jimmy Cauty) leave Mexico City actually happened. They may not have happened in the exact order or way they are scripted here, but they definitely have some basis in fact. The soundtrack album, which I thoughtfully provided, also helps to explain some of the events contained herein. All songs on the soundtrack are performed by the KLF or one of their alter egos. A final note: the title of this script can be found on every KLF video release. It is meant to identify and seperate everything else from their film, "The White Room," of which it has been said that it will not likely be finished until well after their deaths. <> CAST Bill Drummond Jimmy Cauty Dean Cressida Manager of the abbatoir Danny Kelly Scott Piering Radio Announcer TV Reporter Stonemason Hare Krishna devotee Stage Hand Guitarist from Extreme Noise Terror Drummer from Extreme Noise Terror <> SETS EXTERIORS Abbatoir Trancentral Lancaster Gate Hotel Street A park in Liverpool Airport INTERIORS Trancentral, Living Room Trancentral, Bathroom Rehearsal Hall Abbatoir Manager's Office in the abbatoir Van Brits Awards Hall Hector's House Recording Studio Piering's Office Airport Terminal VW Beetle <> INT - AGENT'S OFFICE Seated here are Bill Drummond, Jimmy Cauty and an agent. Scott Piering is standing behind them, trying to look over their shoulders. The agent is dressed in a sleazy looking suit, Scott is in a nice suit, and Bill and Jimmy are dressed in tee shirts, jeans and sneakers. Bill and Jimmy are hunched over the desk, reading something. The decor of the office is shabby, rather dusty and looks like it is rented by the week. BILL Okay, so we have to make a voyage to the White Room, and then represent that voyage as art? AGENT Yeah, that's it. JIMMY Does it matter what we do for it? I mean, does it have to be an album, or can it be a painting or what? AGENT Whatever you feel is appropriate will work. We trust your judgement on this one, guys. SCOTT (cautiously) Guys, make sure you know what you're getting into. BILL (signing) Don't worry, we got it covered. JIMMY (signing) I hope you know how to do this Bill. Once the pair finishes signing, the agent takes the contract and puts it away in his file cabinet. AGENT Thank you, gentlemen. I'll be in touch. The agent motions them to leave. Bill and Jimmy stand up, and they and Scott leave. EXT - LONDON STREET #1 A typical London Street, in a fairly squalid section of town. It's not overly crowded, but there are a few people here, watching the goings on. Scott grabs Bill by the arm and pulls him aside. Jimmy walks on a few steps, then notices his partner isn't next to him, stops and turns to look at Scott and Bill. SCOTT Bill, do you know what you're doing? BILL Of course I do. Come on Jimmy, lets get moving and figure it out. Bill turns away from Scott, walks up next to Jimmy and claps him on the shoulder. They turn and head down the street. Scott turns the other way, and walks a few steps. He turns around as if he's about to say something, then decides not to, turns back up the street and walks on. EXT - LONDON STREET #2 This street is in a much nicer section of London. There are shade trees and shops, and the people are dressed much nicer here. There are also more of them. Bill and Jimmy turn a corner and walk down the street to a bench. They sit down. BILL So how do you think we should do this? I'd like to do it as a movie...y'know, we go looking for the White Room, have adventures, stuff like that? JIMMY I was thinking more like an album. BILL How the hell do you an album detailing the voyage to a place that doesn't exist? JIMMY I don't know. We can do it as a series of songs. "Chill Out" was a voyage across the southern coast of America, wasn't it? Why should this be any more difficult? BILL Because no one will know what it looks like. See, if we do a movie, we can set it up so that we don't actually find the White Room. Maybe we get killed before we find it. But at least we can show what it looks like. With an album, you lose that visual effect, and you lose some of the hold that it would otherwise have. JIMMY Who cares about the hold of it, Bill? We just want to make money. And besides, that would never happen Bill. Who'd want to kill us off? Bill shakes his head, laughing. Jimmy gets up. Bill gets up, and the begin walking further down the street together, still talking. BILL Who cares who kills us off? Maybe it's some snot nosed American punk who just kills us for a laugh! Okay, screw the movie -- how about statues? JIMMY Statues? BILL Why not? JIMMY (shaking his head in disbelief) Bill, you've lost your mind, haven't you. It'd never work -- you have to know that. BILL Yeah, I guess you're right. I've got an idea for what we can do next -- we can ask Tammy Wynette to do the vocals on our next song! We'll do a remake of Justified and Ancient, bring it more appealing to radio, y'know? JIMMY What makes you think she'd do it? BILL I don't know, but it's worth a shot. If it comes down to it, we can beg, right? Besides we're her fans -- there's always that. They turn a corner and vanish into a crowd. CUT TO INT - RECORDING STUDIO Bill and Jimmy are here, working over a recording desk. In the recording booth itself, is Tammy Wynette, singing. All three are dressed in typical street clothes. TAMMY (singing) ...they called me up in Tennessee, they said Tammy, stand by the jams... BILL Okay, Tammy, let's take a break for a minute, catch our breath. Tammy comes out of the booth and joins Bill and Jimmy at the desk. BILL It's coming along good, Tammy. TAMMY Thanks Bill. I noticed a lot of things going on in there. Like the line "Stand By The Jams" -- is that a reference to one of my songs? BILL Yes. But there's a lot of other stuff going on there, stuff that... well, you'd rather not know about. JIMMY Yeah, it's kinda grim. Bill and Jimmy starts laughing hysterically, while Tammy looks confused. TAMMY I don't understand, and I don't think I want to. But I do know that my band has a new song to learn for the tour this summer. BILL You mean you want to use this song on tour? Wow! We're such big fans of yours, Tammy, that we're honored to even have you here with us, but to have you doing a song of ours live? I don't know what to say. JIMMY Congratulations Tammy, you're the first person ever to make Bill Drummond speechless. C'mon, let's get back to work. Tammy returns to the booth, Jimmy and Bill to the desk. BILL Okay, from the top... TAMMY They're Justified, and they're Ancient, and they like to roam the land... CUT TO EXT. TRANCENTRAL - AFTERNOON Trancentral is set on a typically busy London Street. Vehicles drive by, and people are walking. Bill enters the scene, particularly noticable if only for the fact that he isn't dressed in normal city attire but looks more like a lumberjack. Drummond walks up the barely usable stairs and bangs on the door. Then he enters the house. INT. TRANCENTRAL - LIVING ROOM This is not so much a living room as it is not the bedroom or the bathroom. The room is cluttered with junk, and it doesn't look like it has been cleaned in quite a while. The gas stove has three out of the four burners going. Bill trips over a bag of rubbish as he enters, and passes by an old motorbike leaning against the wall. He continues in, ignoring the cats that are fighting and greets Jimmy through the bedroom door. BILL Hi Jimmy, anything new around here? JIMMY (from bedroom) No, not much at all. Just give me and Cress a second. Jimmy Cauty and his wife Cressida exit from bedroom. Jimmy is as presentable as he ever gets, which means unshaven and almost hung-over. Cressida looks untidy, but almost ready to go out, assuming she was dressed in something other than a bathrobe. Bill eyes Cressida, who winks back at him, all in fun, of course. Jimmy pretends not to notice. JIMMY (fixing some coffee) So where do we go now, Bill? We've had another number one hit...do we continue releasing things or do we just go do something else -- like trying to find The White Room? They laugh at the little joke.Bill sits at the table and thinks. Jimmy continues making whatever it is he's making, and Cressida tries to help him. The phone rings, and Jimmy waves Cressida to go get it. CRESSIDA (on phone) Heaven, God speaking...oh, hold on a sec... She puts her hand over the mouthpiece. CRESSIDA (to Jimmy) Jimmy, it's for you. It sounds important. Like someone ... Jimmy lunges and grabs the phone from her. JIMMY (growing more excited at each pause) Hello? Yes, this is him...Yes, the guy in the KLF...The Brits? Hold up a sec... (to Bill) They want us to perform at the Brits. BILL (nodding head vigorously) Ask them what's in it for us. JIMMY (on phone again) Yeah, we'll do it. Jimmy hangs up the phone. Cressida, Bill and Jimmy start yelling, laughing, dancing and in general celebrating. At one point Cressida kisses Jimmy, then Bill. Bill then kisses Jimmy, but only as a joke. CUT TO INT. - BATHROOM TRANCENTRAL Bill is sitting in the tub, soaking. The radio is tuned to a Top-40 type of station, by British standards. Bill is having looks of deep thought on his face, and is silent. Jimmy walks in. JIMMY So, any idea what we should do there? BILL (puzzled) What to do you mean, what should we do there? We'll sing 3 A.M. Eternal of course. JIMMY No, we can't do anything that easy. After all that we've done? They asked us, Bill Drummond and Jimmy Cauty, the KLF! And you want to lie down and play dead? JIMMY (pauses, leans down to Bill) We need a gimmick! Jimmy leaves the room. Bill remains thoughtful. The song on the radio ends. RADIO ANNCR That was Kylie Minogue with an oldie, "The Loco-motion." Bill grimaces at the mention of Kylie Minogue, then smiles the smile of a man who has just remembered an old joke. RADIO ANNCR (continuing) Now, here's a song for you by a fairly new band calling themselves "Extreme Noise Terror." These chaps are going to be legends someday... The announcer gives way to the roar of thrash metal guitars screaming all over the place. Bill doesn't notice at first, then leaps up, nearly knocking the radio into the tub. BILL Legends, you say? I'll make them legends! INT. TRANCENTRAL MAIN ROOM Jimmy and Cressida are sitting at the table. We can hear the radio in the bathroom. Jimmy looks frustrated. BILL (yelling from bathroom) I've got it! Jimmy, I've got it! I know what to do! The bathroom door begins to open. Jimmy senses that Bill is unclothed behind the door and jumps to his feet. JIMMY (yelling at Bill) Get dressed first, you idiot! Then tell me what you thought of. Jimmy sits back down. JIMMY (softly, to Cressida) Sometimes, he just doesn't think ahead. It's good and all, but it's also dangerous. Bill bursts out of the bathroom. He is dripping wet, wearing the same bathrobe the Cressida first appeared in. CRESSIDA Bill, that's my robe. Go put on- BILL (ignoring Cressida) Jimmy, we're going to...you're going to love this...we're doing 3 A.M., just like I said. But we're doing the heavy metal version of it. JIMMY (mockingly) Bill, think for a second. There isn't a heavy metal version of 3 A.M. BILL There will be soon. (picks up the phone, dials) Hello? Yes, this is Bill Drummond from KLF Communications...I need to talk to someone about...no, I can't hold...about working with Extreme Noise Terror...I don't care if you know who they are, just have them call me. (slams phone down) Some people... JIMMY Bill, what do we need this Extreme Noise whatever for? BILL (laughing) Just what you said...extreme noise. CUT TO INT - REHEARSAL HALL The hall is fairly large, but with the combination of the KLF's and Extreme Noise Terror's equipment, there is not really that much space. True to form, Bill and Jimmy haven't shown up yet, but Extreme Noise Terror has been there for quite some time. The lighting is provided by hanging lights, as you would find in a warehouse, and we can see that it's a fairly dusty place, but otherwise well kept. DEAN (irritated) Where are they? They said five o'clock, and they ain't here yet! Who was it? GUITARIST It was Bill Drummond who called ... said he was from the KLF or something. DRUMMER I thought it was EMF. GUITARIST No, no...the KLF. You know, (singing) "It's 3 A.M. 3 A.M. It's Three A.M. Eternalllll" DRUMMER (laughing) Now we know why he sings and not you. Enter Bill and Jimmy in their KLF Pyramid raincoats. When the door opens, we can see that it's very sunny outside, not raining at all. BILL Hey chaps. Are you ENT? DEAN That would be us. Where have you been? We've been waiting for about half an hour for you. BILL Well, we had to write the song before we could practice it. The band begins to tune their instruments and warm up. Bill and the Dean go off into a corner and begin discussing the song lyrics, scribbling and re-writing them. They are talking, but we cannot hear them over the scream of the feedback from the guitars being tuned . Bill and Dean stop and rejoin the band on the stage, and they launch into the song. BILL (barely audible over guitars) This is radio freedom... We see him mouth the word "motherfuckers" and make his fingers into a gun which he points into the air and shoots. The guitars continue to play as Bill walks off stage, mumbling. The band stops, and Jimmy walks over to Bill. JIMMY (urgently) Bill, we have to do this now. The show is tomorrow night, and if we sound like crap we're gonna look like total idiots. BILL (under his breath) ...needs something else. (turns to Jimmy) We needs something else, here. Just doing a song...that's not us. What about all the stuff we did a few years ago, tossing money into the crowd? JIMMY No good Bill...we did that then. This is now. BILL Damn. (then) I got it. I got it! Jimmy, this is going to be beautiful! I know what to do! I know what to do! But there isn't much time. I'll be back. Bill runs out of the hall. The band looks around confusedly, as does Jimmy. DEAN (extremely confused) What's that all about? I thought we were going to play? Jimmy looks disgruntled. He bends over, picks up the paper with the lyrics, and walks over to the band. JIMMY (softly, to himself) Sheep? (then, to band) Okay, we'll have to fake it. I'll be Bill. He jumps up wildly onto the stage and starts bouncing around in a caricature of Bill as they begin playing again. FADE TO INT - ABATTOIR This is a slaughterhouse. There is blood everywhere, and the lighting is something right out of film noir. Ignoring the bleating of the soon-to-be deceased sheep, Bill enters the place by a small door to the right and goes up a staircase to an office and enters it. INT - OFFICE This is the business office to the abattoir. The florescent lighting is a sharp change from the lighting inside the abattoir. Like most offices, it is equipped with a desk, and two chairs. The equipment is old and quite worn, as if there hasn't been enough money to buy new equipment for the past twenty years or so.Bill is standing near the door, and the manager is sitting at the desk. BILL I'm here to see someone about buying a sheep. MANAGER (without looking up) Yes, yes...what cuts do you want? BILL (laughing) No, no...I want a whole sheep. MANAGER (looking up) All as one piece? We don't work like that here. BILL No, I mean one live sheep, bleating and babbling. MANAGER Oh...oh...you must the be the guy I talked to earlier. He stands up and shakes hands. BILL Probably. The manager sits down and begins to write out a bill. BILL Where do I pick 'im up? MANAGER We'll deliver it in a few days. BILL (leans over manager) I need it tonight. I plan on taking it back with me now. MANAGER (taken aback) Well, it's unusual, but ... okay, we'll do it. Bill and the manager walk back out of the office. INT ABATTOIR We see Bill and the manager walk down the stairs. Bill looks out across the building, and just kind of stares in amazement at both the number of sheep in the place and at the destruction present. The manager keeps going, then sees him and grabs him arm and half-drags him along. The exit through the same door Bill entered. EXT - ABATTOIR - DAY Bill and the manager are standing near the van. An assistant comes out about 10 seconds after we start the scene, leading a sheep on a rope. He hands the rope to the manager and returns inside. MANAGER So, what are you going to do with this here creature? BILL Ummm (then) I would really rather not say. Watch the Brits awards tonight, and you'll see what I'm doing with it. Bill and the manager shake hands, and the manager hands him the rope and turns to go back inside. He leaves, shaking his head as if to say "I don't know about these people." Bill opens the back doors to the van, and begins to herd the sheep in. As soon as the sheep is in the van, Bill closes the doors, and takes in a view of the countryside. This being the northern part of England, it's really quite desolate. There is a plume of dark smoke off in the distance. Bill turns to get into the van. BILL (softly, almost religiously) Jerusalem on the Moors, that's what it is. He notices a car coming up the road, and begins to enter the van. As he closes the door, the car comes to a stop, spraying dust everywhere. Bill begins to start the van. Danny Kelly, reporter for the New Music Express, jumps out of the car and begins yelling. DANNY Bill! Mr. Drummond! Hold up just a sec! BILL (scowling) What do you want? DANNY I'm from the N M E, and I was wondering... BILL (interrupting) I ... CAN'T ... TALK. Bill drives off, leaving one very confused reporter. Danny shakes his head, and gets into his car and drives away. CUT TO INT - VAN Bill is attempting to drive the van. It's late afternoon, and he has a soda, Coke or something along those lines. The sheep is eating away at the seat of the van. Bill turns around every 30 seconds or so to swat the sheep away from the seat. BILL (to himself) Billy, me boy, this is going to be great... Those saps at the awards are expecting us to do something. But I bet that they'll never expect something like this!... We kill the sheep onstage first, then collect the blood and throw it on the audience... Then, when the press asks Jimmy what's going on, he can go into all this symbolism stuff. Let's see, the sheep can be... ummm... the sheep can be... the music industry! And... well, I'll let Jimmy sort out all the symbolism, but it'll be great! They'll never know what hit 'em. Oh, it'll be perfect. Bill swerves the van just in time to avoid hitting a car. CUT TO INT - REHEARSAL HALL Extreme Noise Terror is sitting around playing cards. Jimmy and Cressida are sitting, cross-legged on the stage, talking. Bill enters, and we see the sunset behind him as he throws both doors open wide. In his right hand is the rope attached to the sheep. Jimmy looks at the sheep and starts rolling on the floor laughing. A moment later Cressida does too. Dean comes over and he and Bill meet halfway across the room. DEAN So, what's with this 'ere sheep? BILL We're going to kill it during the second verse. DEAN Right. And do what with it, treat the industry to lamb chops? BILL No, we're going to throw the blood at them. Jimmy comes walking over to see what's going on. JIMMY So what's up kids, and what's with the sheep? BILL We're going to kill it on stage and collect the blood and throw it at the audience. JIMMY Bill, you're sick... I love it. All sorts of symbolism there. We can have the sheep represent music as an art, and how it died for the business men and... DEAN Look, if you want to kill that poor animal on stage, you'll be doing it without us. Maybe you haven't heard, but we're vegetarians. BILL A vegetarian thrash metal band? (laughs) DEAN We'll be by to pick up our stuff. Bill realizes that he's absolutely serious. Dean heads for the door, as do the rest of the band. Bill turns and runs after him. BILL Okay, okay...no blood. Got any other suggestions? Dean shakes his head, and everyone goes back to the stage. They sit down in a circle on the stage, Cressida between Bill and Jimmy. DEAN Well, no. DRUMMER We could throw a salad at them. Dean hits the drummer with the back of his hand. The drummer and guitarist get up and start walking around. DEAN Looks like those two need to get their bodies moving to get their brains moving. BILL How about... let's see... Jimmy, help me out? JIMMY I could pretend to shag Cress on stage. CRESSIDA (while hitting Jimmy) No, I don't think that'll happen anytime soon. BILL Forget pretending, you could actually go through with it! CRESSIDA Bill, we want Jimmy to impress the audience, not be a comedy routine. JIMMY (hitting Cressida back) The only comedy there is you, o love of my life. BILL Alright you two, knock it off. Shagging's out, 'cause BBC is way too tight about stuff like that. (thinking) How about if I cut off my hand? JIMMY Wouldn't hurt your playing. BILL How about if we cut off your head? Wouldn't hurt your thinking. DRUMMER How about if we just sit there and not play? BILL No. It's been done before. We need something new. (thinking) (rapidly, with no pauses) Oh my god, I've got it. Bill jumps up and runs out. FADE TO INT - BRITS AWARDS HALL - BACKSTAGE The band and Jimmy are pacing nervously around in their costumes. Extreme Noise Terror is dressed in black, as usual, and Jimmy is dressed in his rain poncho with the KLF pyramid on the back, and is holding his guitar, tuning it nervously. You can hear the crowd noises coming from behind the curtain (not cheering, but more of a dull conversational roar). The lights come up. STAGE HAND Two minutes! Two minutes everybody! (exits) JIMMY Where the hell is he? I told him eight o'clock! If he's not dead, I'll kill him myself. DEAN Do you think you can do his words, Jimmy, 'cause I don't think he's going to be here. JIMMY The words don't matter... Enter Bill, on crutches and laughing. He is wearing a flannel jacket and hiking boots. Jimmy rushes over to him, while the band takes the stage. JIMMY ...Bill, you bastard! Where the... never mind, we've got less than two minutes -- grab your stuff. BILL (laughing, pats a bag at his side) Right here. He pulls out his rain jacket, and pulls it on over his head, nearly falling over in the process. Jimmy pulls his on. They wear the raincoats so that they just about cover their faces completely. DEAN (shaking his head) You guys are completely nuts, you know? Completely nuts. Why are you wearing them so that no one can see your faces? BILL It's all part of the act, Dean. It adds to our mystique. STAGE HAND (from offstage) One minute, people, one minute! BILL (to Jimmy) Just follow my lead, King Boy. JIMMY Roger and out, Rockman. Bill, still on his crutches, is struggling with the right mike until the curtain begins to rise. Jimmy goes to stage center, and the Dean to the left mike. The drummer takes his place behind his equipment, and the bassist to a place to the front left of the drums. In all the motion of the next scenes, absolutely nobody crosses between Bill and the audience. During the song Jimmy parades back and forth with his guitar, as does the bassist. Very few of Bill's vocals will be heard over the guitars, but he is mouthing words the whole time (obscenities would be good). The curtain rises. SCOTT PIERING (over the PA system) This is what KLF is about! Everyone begins playing their instruments, and there is absolutely no way to hear anything not yelled out. BILL (only bits of things are heard) ...the Brits...B P I... treme Noise Terr... After about a minute of the song, Bill begins laughing hysterically. He hobbles off stage. Dean and Jimmy look at each other, obviously confused, again. About 30 seconds later, Bill comes back without his crutches. Instead, he is carrying a machine gun, and laughing. The song is still playing. BILL (yelling into mike) THIS IS TELEVISION FREEDOM! He opens fire on the crowd. No one seems to be hit by any bullets, but there is a panic in the theater. Jimmy quickly stops playing, and he and Bill run of the stage, leaving Extreme Noise Terror to fend for themselves. Bill and Jimmy exit the theater. We close with Extreme Noise Terror picking up their stuff and moving off stage. SCOTT PIERING (over PA system) Ladies and gentlemen, the K L F has now left the music industry. CUT TO INT - HECTOR'S HOUSE This place looks like it is in ruins. There is a couch and a small television set. Danny Kelly, our intrepid reporter, his photographer are sitting on the couch, along with Extreme Noise Terror. Lying next to a large gaping hole in the back wall is a crutch -- a crutch which should look familiar as it is the one Bill had on stage. DEAN Well, that sure was a hell of a gig, eh lads? Firing machine gun blanks into the crowd -- absolutely brilliant! DANNY I thought Bill and Jimmy were holding a rave here? DRUMMER Look around... see that there crutch? What do you think that means? DANNY Bill was here, wasn't he? DEAN Yeah, but they said they'd be right back. You never know with them, though... Dean and the Drummer and the other two band members get up to leave, leaving Danny and his photographer to wait. DANNY Where you going? DEAN We're going to watch in the van ... we've got better equipment in there. The band exits. DANNY They're not coming back, you think? The photographer nods his head in agreement and continues to watch the TV. The phone rings. DANNY (to phone) Hello?...where are you?... okay! He hangs up the phone, and grabs the photographer. DANNY That's our cue...we're off! They exit in a rush, and we hear the screeching of tires as the scene ends. FADE TO EXT - LANCASTER GATE HOTEL - NIGHT The scene looks like an accident. Police lights cut through the night as our reporter and photographer arrive. The camera follows them as the pair leap from their car and try to push their way into the "scene of the crime." Eventually, they do get as close as the police will let them. TV REPORTER (overheard) ...at the scene of one of the many post-Brits parties... Once they can see the entrance to the hotel, they can see what is going on. There is a very familiar looking sheep lying dead right outside the main entrance, leaving a pool of blood blocking all clean access to the inside. Tied to the sheep is a banner proclaiming "I DIED FOR YOU -- BON APPETIT." DANNY (muttering) Sick, kids, really sick. Get some pictures of this, would ya? The photographer begins obliging as we end the scene. CUT TO EXT - LONDON STREET Bill is sitting here on the bench, dressed in his flannels and boots, relaxing. Danny comes up to him. DANNY Hi Bill, mind if I sit down or do you have someplace else in mind? BILL No, here's fine. Danny sits down next to Bill. He pulls out a notepad and scribbles something. BILL Okay, Dan, here's how it's got to be. Don't ask me about anything except for last nights events. If you ask anything about the new album, or the White Room, or anything like that, the interview will be over and I'll get up and walk away. DANNY I understand Bill. BILL Good then, let's get started. Bill stretches his legs out in front of him, almost tripping a passerby. DANNY Well, I suppose the first question is obvious. Why, Bill? Why did you kill the sheep? Why did you fire machine gun blanks into the crowd? Why? BILL I did it for the attention. He laughs, then pauses to think what the real answer is. BILL No, seriously, I did it to show the music industry how hypocritical it was. I mena, they always say they want new stuff out of you, but all they really want is the same stuff gilded over. I gave them something new -- terror. DANNY You sure scared 'em. But why a sheep? Why not a goat? BILL Well, I'm Scottish, so I'm preferential to sheep. Danny grimaces, and Bill laughs at him. BILL But you know that sheep have always been a big thing to the KLF. We did "Chill Out," with the sheep noises all over it and the sheep on the cover. Then we had them as guests of honor at a few of our shows. Basically, they're a very British animal, very calm, very polite. DANNY So there wasn't any symbolism intended by using a sheep? BILL Of course there was. The sheep symbolizes the music industry - - quite content to let the world go on around it, not really doing anything new until you lead it up to the slaughterhouse like we did. Danny shudders, remembering the scene of the previous night. Bill looks at him quizzically, then continues. BILL That's why we left it on the steps of the hotel, so that the industry couldn't ignore it. I know, it was pretty messy, but it had to be done. We thought about not using all the blood, but in the end we decided they might be able to pretend not to see the sheep and walk around it, but wading through the blood? No way can you ignore that. DANNY How do you think this is going to affect your future in the industry? A lot of people had some pretty harsh words for you last night, you know. BILL Didn't you hear Scott Piering's announcement at the end of the song? He imitates Piering for the part in quotes. BILL "Ladies and Gentlemen, The KLF has now left the music industry." We're not quitting, not yet at least, but I planned to alienate a lot of people last night. DANNY I think for the most part, you succeeded. Thanks a lot for the interview. I know you don't like to talk to the media too much. BILL Well, some people have managed to twist my words around. I hope you'll do nothing like that, because I'd never speak to you again. FADE TO EXT- A PARK IN LIVERPOOL - DAYTIME Bill and Jimmy are standing around with a stonemason, looking at places, discussing things. The stonemason is an older man, and looks pretty confused most of the time, obviously out of his element. Bill and Jimmy are excited through most of the scene. Since they are off in a secluded corner of the park, no one comes along and disturbs them. BILL What about here, Jimmy? JIMMY Yeah, a statue of you, right here. The birds'll love it. STONEMASON You guys want me to make statues of yourselves for putting into a park? Don't you need a permit for something like that? BILL No, it's art. We don't need a permit to make our records, do we? And that's art, isn't it? We're not changing the message we're trying to convey, just the medium we use for it. I don't think we need a permit for that. He turns around to Jimmy, who is lost in thought. JIMMY Bill, he may be right. The authorities aren't going to like us putting up statues of ourselves with "BEYOND EGO" carved into the pedestal. BILL So? Do I look like I care what they think? I've made a career out of doing things my own way, and with the exception of the sheep and machine guns thing, I've managed to piss people off pretty well. I don't think I'm going to change it just for them. JIMMY You don't think the machine gun pissed them off? Bill, you scared them more than they've ever been scared in their pathetic boring little lives! At the mention of the words "machine gun," the stonemason decides he's had enough of these two obvious nutcases. He quietly creeps off, and Bill and Jimmy don't notice, or if they do notice, they don't care. BILL (sighing) It's not scaring them that I want Jimmy, I want to shock them. It just doesn't work when they go on the record backing it the next day, like that little prig Jonathan King. It's gotten to the point where we can't do anything. If we do what's expected of us, we're not doing what we set out to do when we made that album. We can't do what we're not expected to do, because that's exactly what we're expected to do -- the unexpected. No matter what we do, it's what we're expected to do. We can't win. JIMMY So what do you want to do? BILL I don't know. I just don't know. CUT TO INT - RECORDING STUDIO Extreme Noise Terror are here. The KLF is not. ENT is just sitting around, tuning instruments, playing a little bit. The recording booth looks like it would be rather barren if it weren't for the band's equipment. After a bit of this scene, Jimmy walks in. JIMMY Hey, where's Bill? DEAN We thought you'd know. Late as usual, I'd guess. Enter Bill, excitedly and clutching a notebook. He motions for everyone to come around. BILL (excitedly) Okay, here's what we do. We rent a studio, tear out the recording booth's floor and put in grass. Then we bring in some sheep so we can watch them while we remix it. JIMMY Bill? Think about it for a second. Do you know what that would cost? We don't have it. And we can't get it. BILL But ... but... but...you're right. Forget it all. That's it. Let's pack it up. He begins to leave. JIMMY Bill? You're serious? You want to abandon six months worth of work because you can't afford sheep? (growing more hysterical) Bill, you're out of your mind! That's a lot of money we just threw away. And it's gone. All gone. Bill takes Jimmy by the arms and pulls him outside. EXT - STREET - DAY This is a fairly busy street scene. Bill and Jimmy walk down the street to a bench where they sit down. BILL Don't you get it Jimmy? It's all a big waste of time. JIMMY (confused) What do you mean, it's a waste of time? BILL (sighing) I mean, it doesn't mean anything. The Brits awards, they didn't care at all. They thought we were just kidding. JIMMY So what do you want to do? BILL End it all. JIMMY Your life? Bill looks at him, taken aback. Then he starts to laugh. BILL (laughing) No, I want to end the KLF. Take the Justified Ancients Of Mu Mu, The Timelords and The KLF and just disappear. JIMMY (soberly) That's a hell of a big decision, Bill. Are you sure this is what you want to do? BILL (thinks for a second) Yes. Let's do it then. JIMMY I don't know if I like it, Bill. That's a lot of money we're throwing away here. Not to mention our reputations. I think we should think about it instead of just jumping right in and calling it quits. BILL No, I'm sure. Do you want to split up the band or shall we just disappear? JIMMY Fine. If it's going to happen, we may as well just disappear. I don't want to split it up. All for one and one for all, eh? BILL Righto, old chap. They get up and walk off. FADE TO INT - PIERING'S OFFICE This is a rather well furnished office, the kind of place you'd expect a not-too-badly-off lawyer to have. But it's definitely not a lawyer's office. Instead of law books, there are records of various kinds all over the place. In fact, the whole place is kind of a mess. Scott is sitting here, talking on the phone. Jimmy knocks on the door, and Scott signals him in. Jimmy sits down in the chair across the desk from Scott. Piering is dressed in business attire, Jimmy in a flannel shirt, jeans and hiking boots. The contrast between their personalities is immediately apparent just from the way they dress. SCOTT (to Jimmy) Just a sec.. (to phone) okay, then...good...I'll talk to ya later. (hangs up phone) What's up, Jimmy? You look like something happened. JIMMY Bill says it's time to end it. As of May Fifth, it's over. SCOTT What? Jimmy gets up and starts pacing around. JIMMY The KLF will be no more. Look, I don't know what he's talking about or why, but he's completely serious. SCOTT May 5th, huh? I know him, he wants it to be a public affair, right? Jimmy nods in agreement. Scott looks at a calendar, then scowls. SCOTT (continuing) We can't do it. There's not enough time to get the space for it. Best we could do is... May twelfth, a week later. JIMMY I think Bill had his heart set on the fifth. Something about a law of Fives or some rubbish... Scott picks up the phone and dials a number. He pauses for a second, waiting for someone to pick up. SCOTT Come on Bill, pick up... Hi, Bill? It's Scott... Yes, he told me... No, I understand why... look, we can't do it on the fifth...because there'll be no publicity. We can't expect the press to drop everything for us... I know how you feel about it... okay, I'll try. (hangs up phone) He isn't happy about it, but we can do it on the twelfth. JIMMY Then it's done. I've got to be going. Here's the official announcement. (hands him a piece of paper) I'll be seeing you. Jimmy gets up and exits the office. Once he leaves, Scott opens the envelope and begins reading aloud. Every once in a while, he stops, holds his head in his hands, shakes his head, or some other such move that signals his frustration with Bill's decision. SCOTT (reading) "We have been following a wild and wounded, glum and glorious, crap but colorful path these past five years, the last two of which have led us up onto the commercial high ground...we are at a point where the path is about to take a sharp turn from these sunny uplands down into a netherworld of we know not what. For the foreseeable future there will be not further record releases from the Justified Ancients of Mu Mu, The Timelords, The KLF or any other past present and future name attached to our activities. As of now, all our past releases are deleted." Scott stops for a second. Then he lays his head down on the desk and starts to bang it, as frustrated people often do. SCOTT What is he thinking? The royalties just from what's out there now would keep him well off for the rest of his life. He's the boss, though... Scott picks up a phone and dials another number. As he begins speaking, we fade. SCOTT Hi, Scott Piering...I need a full page ad in your paper... FADE TO INT - TRANCENTRAL - MAIN ROOM Same state as usual for this place -- a mess. Jimmy and Cressida are here; Jimmy on the phone, Cressida watching him nervously. The remnants of breakfast (a few dirty coffee cups and some doughnuts) are on the table along with the usual pile of debris. JIMMY ...so you haven't heard anything?...but you'll let us know if you do? Alright then, thanks...bye. (hangs up phone) They haven't heard from him either. Cress, does it surprise you that Bill would just disappear like this? CRESSIDA Not in the least. Just then the phone rings. Jimmy stares at it while it rings twice, then picks it up. JIMMY Hello?...Bill, where are you?... CRESSIDA Tell him I don't know whether to kiss him or kill him. JIMMY (shushing Cress) ...you're where?...Mexico?... Bill, what the hell are you doing there?...No, I can't just hop a plane...I'll be out as soon as I can...a few days at least....alright then... (hangs up the phone) Cress, I have to go to Mexico. CRESSIDA What? I'm coming. She turns to pack her things. Jimmy grabs her and turns her to face him. JIMMY (softly) Cress, you can't. CRESSIDA Why? JIMMY This is something you can't be in on. I'm sorry. I think Bill lost quite a few marbles starting with the machine gun thing, and, well, if he goes, I don't think you should be there. CRESSIDA (angrily) Fine then. Even though I've been there for you guys all the other times, the lawsuits, the jail time, all that crap, now, when it really counts, you don't want me along. Fine. Cressida storms off into the bedroom. JIMMY (softly to himself) Bill, this had better be urgent. CUT TO INT - AIRPORT It's your typical airport scene, people struggling with luggage, religious people panhandling and taxicabs all over the place. Bill is sitting down, calmly taking it all in, in a seat near gate 23. A plane pulls in, and Bill looks at his watch, then gets up and stands over by the disembarkment area. Jimmy gets off the plane and sees Bill, and comes over to him. JIMMY Bill, what are you -- no, what are we doing here? BILL Research. C'mon, I'll show you. As they head out, a religious convert tries to get some money from them. KRISHNA Can you spare some change for our church? JIMMY No, and we can't stick around - - BILL (interrupting, but calm) Of course we can. He pulls out some cash, and hands a bill to the Krishna. KRISHNA Thank you. He leaves. JIMMY Okay Bill, what's going on? BILL Okay, we're going to Los Angeles. Since you just had to know. JIMMY (getting angry) Bill, then why didn't I take a plane there? And why LA? I thought you didn't like cities. BILL Jimmy, just trust me. I'll explain later. They leave the airport. EXT - AIRPORT Bill and Jimmy leave the airport and walk over to a parking lot. Bill leads Jimmy to a beat up red Volkswagen Beetle, and unlocks it. They crowd into it, and drive off. INT - VW BEETLE Bill is driving, Jimmy is struggling with a map. Jimmy reaches down and pulls out the tape for a second to talk. JIMMY Bill, what is in LA? Just tell me. BILL Okay. I couldn't tell you back there because it was too public. I've found the White Room, Jimmy. JIMMY Bill, it doesn't exist. It's just a song we made up. BILL Yes it does. It's in LA, I saw it on the news a while ago when they were having the riots. It's not much of a place, maybe ten by ten and it's not white, but it's the White Room. JIMMY Whatever. (looks at map) Okay, you go up this road and it should bring us right to the border. I don't know how you plan to cross the border, but that's your problem. Jimmy folds up the map and puts it into the glove compartment. He then leans up against the door and falls asleep. CUT TO INT - VW BEETLE Bill is still driving, Jimmy is still asleep. They have arrived at the border, and the border patrol guard is leaning in the window, obviously curious as to why two guys, one apparently hung over and asleep, with heavy Scottish accents, are coming into America from Mexico. After everything Bill says, the guard writes it down on his clipboard. GUARD So you're on a religious mission, you say? BILL Yes, I am one of the archbishops of the Church of the KLF, and this gentleman here is the other. We're looking for the White Room. GUARD (sarcastically) And where do you plan to find it? BILL Los Angeles. GUARD Mmmmhhhhmmmm. What makes you think it's in LA? BILL We saw it on television. GUARD Really? And how do you know it's the White Room? At this point Jimmy begins to wake up. JIMMY (groggily) Are we there yet Bill? BILL No. (to guard) Look, can't you just let us in? Please? GUARD I'll tell you what. If he can tell me what you're doing here, I'll let you through, okay? BILL Fine. The guard walks around the car to Jimmy's window. He taps on the window with his clipboard, giving Jimmy, who is still mostly asleep, quite a start. Jimmy wakes up a bit and rolls down the window. GUARD Sir? Where are you going? JIMMY Us? We're going to Los Angeles. GUARD Why? JIMMY To find the White Room, of course. GUARD (shaking his head) Well, you're both nuts the same way. Get moving. He waves Bill and Jimmy through the border. Bill waves back, pushes the tape back in, and they speed off. CUT TO INT - VW BEETLE Same positions as always, but now Jimmy is fully awake. They are driving through a city, observant viewers may note that it's LA. The pair are discussing things, just trying to make the time pass a little quicker. JIMMY So what do you think about America, Bill? Is it everything you hoped for? BILL (sarcastically) Ah yes, land of the free, freedom to ... to beat up speeders if you're a cop. I think we need a song that samples that line that Rodney King used, you know... JIMMY "Why can't we all just get along?" BILL Yeah, that's it. Our next single -- Killer Whale Mating Game Express, off our new album, Moo. Bill begins humming. Jimmy, after listening to Bill not carry a tune for a few minutes, decides to turn on the radio. He flips through the dial, and stops at a newscast. Bill looks at him, disgusted. JIMMY Well, pardon me for wanting to know what's going on in the real world. We can't live in Mu Mu land forever, you know. RADIO ANNCR ...are advised to stay in your houses. The second trial in the Rodney King case is over, and rioting is once again sweeping the city. The jury found all four officers not guilty on all counts again, and the black community is showing their lack of faith in the courts. Once again, we here at KCBS advise everyone in the greater Los Angeles area to stay home. We are trying... Bill turns off the radio. Jimmy turns to him. JIMMY Well, what do we do now? Go on and risk our death, or turn back and live? BILL Jimmy, I know the White Room is there -- I can feel it. I've got to go for it. JIMMY (softly) Bill, I don't want to die. BILL We won't, Jimmy, we won't. Jimmy turns to Bill, and grabs his arm. As he speaks, we can feel the anger rising in his voice. JIMMY Bill, listen to me. I don't like this. I think we're going to die if we go into a racially charged riot looking for the White Room or the Black Room or any kind of room. I'm not going to die just so you can have a fun little voyage. Turn the car around, Bill. BILL I can't Jimmy. We're so close, I don't want to lose it. Bill drives on. He stops at a red light, and four youths come over, two white, two black and smash the windshield of the Beetle in. One of the whites pulls out a gun. JIMMY Get us out of here, Bill! Bill begins to step on the gas. We hear the engine rev up, and then stall out. The kid with the gun smiles, and shoots Jimmy in the head. He opens the door of the Beetle, and drags a dazed Bill out of the car. The four kids start beting Bill up, similar to the Rodney King beating except the don't have uniforms on. Finally, a National Guard unit comes around the corner, and three of the youths flee. The white kid with the gun shoots Bill in the back of the neck, then runs. NAT'L GUARD OFFICER Hey, you kids! Get back here! The kids pay him no attention. The officer turns his attention to Bill and Jimmy. OFFICER We've got to get you to a hospital. BILL (weakly) No...just bring me over to that gas station. Bill points to a gas station across the street. OFFICER Why a gas station? BILL Look, I'm going to die, okay? Get me over there -- it's a religious thing. An ambulance pulls up. The officer signals them to pick up Jimmy, which they do. Meanwhile, the officer picks up Bill, and carries him over to the gas station. BILL Bring me inside. The officer obliges, and he sets Bill down on the counter. Bill looks around. We watch through the front window. BILL The White Room, finally. He closes his eyes and passes away. The offficer takes off his hat, and walks out.